About 2 weeks ago I went to an endocrinologist. My mom and I decided that if after a month or 2 of Weight Watchers, if I wasn’t losing weight there must be something physically wrong with me. So we sent this doctor some old test results I get about a year ago when my family doctor checked my thyroid and told me it was normal. It turns out that is isn’t normal, and I basically have the thyroid of a 90-year-old woman. My thyroid was like more than 3 times slower than the doctor’s and he is a 50-year-old man. So basically I have hypothyroidism.

So I left his office with a drug that basically will speed up my metabolism, but it takes about 3 weeks minimum to start working. And these past few weeks I have really been struggling. Its gets tiring to work really hard to eat really well and yet not see any results from that hard work. Sure sometimes eating healthy is easy, sometimes when I eat healthy I feel thinner, happier, stronger,  and in control. But, and I don’t really know why, being that  in control is hard to keep up.

For most people there is a little wiggle room in weight loss. That’s why WW has the extra weekly points. Most people can eat over the points allowance by a small margin every day and still lose weight, maybe a little less weight, but a loss nonetheless. For me going over by even 1 or 2 points everyday basically guarantees I will gain somewhere between .5 and 1 pound.

This week I went over by 5 or 6 points many days (and more 2 days) and gained 3 or 4 pounds. I wish I could say that I am taking it all in stride, people always tell me how impressed they are with my attitude towards weight loss. But I can’t lie and say that I am not seriously frustrated by the lack of control I have over my body, and even more so by the fact that in the past few weeks I have not taken control of the small part that I do have. I let myself go a little. I think it was the knowledge that I have hypothyroidism and that when the drug starts to work I will be able to lose weight like a normal person. And so I loosened the reins, not drastically, just to the place where I imagine most people trying to lose weight hold them. The only problem is that I am not most people yet, I’m still the 17-year-old with a 90-year-old metabolism. And so I have gained consistently the past few weeks, and they are numbers that are not easy to see on the scale. To think about the fact that in October I was 151 and today I am 170, makes me so angry and frustrated. There are days when I just want to give up, eat everything I want and then just crawl into be and pretend that nothing exists, just hide from my problems. I know that is far from the answer to my problems, but unfortunately I also know the answer is not easy to put into practice.

What makes this all even harder to me is that JDD is this Friday. I got my dress back from the seamstress yesterday, and it was tight. Not unwearably tight, it just didn’t have that fits-me-like-a-glove feeling I hoped it would have after getting it altered. It fit me perfectly just 3 weeks ago, but I have gained 5 or 6 pounds since then, if not more. It still looks gorgeous and as long as I don’t gain anymore this week it will be fine for the big day. But still… it’s not a happy feeling.

So all I can do this week is tighten the reins again. Sure I know I can’t keep them tight forever, but I have to so everything I can this week so my dress can be as comfortable as possible and I can enjoy JDD, and not think about my weight.

I have felt very out of control the past few weeks, in addition to my weight gain, the AP tests are coming up very fast and I don’t feel particularly ready for them. Yet I still haven’t studied, and I wish I had a good reason why, but it’s really just avoidance. Also I need to find a job for the summer/senior year, but the idea of just going around, asking the places I have in mind if they need someone, and giving them some silly little resume with no actual work experience on it makes me really uncomfortable. Like so many other things in my life right now, I am avoiding taking any action.

I know the response to all of these issues, I have to get out of my comfort zone, it’s the only way I will grow, and I have to just stop thinking about everything and just do it. But that is all much easier said than done…

I’m sorry this blog was basically just one be whining session. I hope next time I blog I will have better, happier things to talk about.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Spring (thank goodness it’s finally here!) and if you celebrate Easter I hope its great!

❤ ❤ Elli

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Let me beging this post with a little background info on this past week.

Friday was my last full day of school. Next week is finals and all half days. To celebrate my gym class decided we should have a party. Parties obviously entail brownies, cookies, cupcakes, and other assorted high calories low nutrition foods. But because my gym class is 2nd period, around 8:30 am we can add donuts and bagels to that already diet-ruining list. Now as any teen who is trying to lose weight may know school ‘”parties” are basically the worst possible situation one could be in if you are trying to lose weight. Everyone else is eating, literally filling up their plates to the point of over flowing. And yes the food looks delicious! It is everything you know you can’t have everything that you avoid like the plague because it is all fat and sugar and things that make you come back over and over again. You know that you should just not even go there, you should just get something to drink or chew some gum. But there are a few things working against you… or at least me.

Most of my friends don’t know that I am trying to lose weight. I just don’t feel like telling them my whole life story and them not under standing because honestly all my friends are the kind of people who just don’t have the kind of obsession with food I do and I already sometimes feel like I’m only half in with my group of friends (I do have a few close friends who do know though so I’m not some like miserable friendless outcast don’t worry). But I don’t feel like being asked over and over again “Why aren’t you eating anything?” and I don’t’ feel like sitting and watching all my fiends eat while I drink water. Maybe this is a personal flaw that I can’t just not do what they are doing but it’s not like they are jumping off a cliff and so I mindlessly follow. They are doing what I want to be doing and I have to watch and resist! I think not. The problem, however, comes not with having a cookie. It comes when you have finished that cookie and now you have that delicious taste left in your mouth of the chocolate and sugar and it calls to you. It knows you want more and its telling you” Hey what one more cookie? And ooh doesn’t that brownie look delicious? Just take a small piece.” Well friends let me tell you, small pieces add up fast and pretty soon you feel like a fat disgusting person with no self control and you know that you should have not even gone there but now it is too late and you wish you could just get it out of your stomach, but you can’t throw up because A. that is disgusting, and B. you are not bulimic and you know that that is a path you can’t and won’t go down.

So that is the story of how my last full day of school became a nightmare, I felt like crap the rest of the day which is not how you want to spend a Friday.

I did my best to make up for it though. I did a video when I go home and I also went to the gym and ran on the treadmill for an hour. I burned over 600 calories (my lovely hear-rate monitor told me), and felt better about my day. I also ate a low calorie dinner, and avoided any extra snacking. I thought that maybe just maybe I had atoned for my sugary sins and my weigh-in would turn out all right. Did i think I would lose? No. Did I expect the 2 pound gain I got? NO!

For any who don’t know My gains and losses usually stay below one pound. A normal loss for me is between .5 pounds and a pound. Same for gains. 2 pounds is outrageous and confusing. My mom, who at one point lost over 100 pounds, was a Weight Watchers leader, and is the closest thing I have to a weight-loss expert, said that it does happen that people have strange days when they gain and that I could weigh myself tomorrow and find that those 2 pounds are gone. I am definitely weighing myself tomorrow to test this!

So thats the story… I went from being semi-confident in my abilities to feeling kinda humbled.

This week will have to be good. Its finals week which means stress, but also half days. These can be good or bad. When I can make my own lunch I sometimes end up having something higher in calories than I normally have. My typical school lunch is a Pb &J (YUM!) and red peppers with some hummus for dipping. I may just stick to this for lunch this week because I know it is safe and I do love it.

Finals should be ok, tomorrow is an easy day. I have gym which is a joke, and Algebra II which I did not take honors and I only need about a 14% on to get an A for the year. Tuesday, however, is honors Chem and honors English. Chem will be my hardest exam by far… I’m not even sure that my brain is capable of holding that much info at one time! Oh well.. I guess we shall see. At least summer is almost here…

I think to end this extremely long blog and will thank any who actually read it with a lovely little picture of a place I think we all would rather be right now…

Ahhh… I can almost hear the waves, and feel the sun.

Keep on smiling!

Elli