About 2 weeks ago I went to an endocrinologist. My mom and I decided that if after a month or 2 of Weight Watchers, if I wasn’t losing weight there must be something physically wrong with me. So we sent this doctor some old test results I get about a year ago when my family doctor checked my thyroid and told me it was normal. It turns out that is isn’t normal, and I basically have the thyroid of a 90-year-old woman. My thyroid was like more than 3 times slower than the doctor’s and he is a 50-year-old man. So basically I have hypothyroidism.

So I left his office with a drug that basically will speed up my metabolism, but it takes about 3 weeks minimum to start working. And these past few weeks I have really been struggling. Its gets tiring to work really hard to eat really well and yet not see any results from that hard work. Sure sometimes eating healthy is easy, sometimes when I eat healthy I feel thinner, happier, stronger,  and in control. But, and I don’t really know why, being that  in control is hard to keep up.

For most people there is a little wiggle room in weight loss. That’s why WW has the extra weekly points. Most people can eat over the points allowance by a small margin every day and still lose weight, maybe a little less weight, but a loss nonetheless. For me going over by even 1 or 2 points everyday basically guarantees I will gain somewhere between .5 and 1 pound.

This week I went over by 5 or 6 points many days (and more 2 days) and gained 3 or 4 pounds. I wish I could say that I am taking it all in stride, people always tell me how impressed they are with my attitude towards weight loss. But I can’t lie and say that I am not seriously frustrated by the lack of control I have over my body, and even more so by the fact that in the past few weeks I have not taken control of the small part that I do have. I let myself go a little. I think it was the knowledge that I have hypothyroidism and that when the drug starts to work I will be able to lose weight like a normal person. And so I loosened the reins, not drastically, just to the place where I imagine most people trying to lose weight hold them. The only problem is that I am not most people yet, I’m still the 17-year-old with a 90-year-old metabolism. And so I have gained consistently the past few weeks, and they are numbers that are not easy to see on the scale. To think about the fact that in October I was 151 and today I am 170, makes me so angry and frustrated. There are days when I just want to give up, eat everything I want and then just crawl into be and pretend that nothing exists, just hide from my problems. I know that is far from the answer to my problems, but unfortunately I also know the answer is not easy to put into practice.

What makes this all even harder to me is that JDD is this Friday. I got my dress back from the seamstress yesterday, and it was tight. Not unwearably tight, it just didn’t have that fits-me-like-a-glove feeling I hoped it would have after getting it altered. It fit me perfectly just 3 weeks ago, but I have gained 5 or 6 pounds since then, if not more. It still looks gorgeous and as long as I don’t gain anymore this week it will be fine for the big day. But still… it’s not a happy feeling.

So all I can do this week is tighten the reins again. Sure I know I can’t keep them tight forever, but I have to so everything I can this week so my dress can be as comfortable as possible and I can enjoy JDD, and not think about my weight.

I have felt very out of control the past few weeks, in addition to my weight gain, the AP tests are coming up very fast and I don’t feel particularly ready for them. Yet I still haven’t studied, and I wish I had a good reason why, but it’s really just avoidance. Also I need to find a job for the summer/senior year, but the idea of just going around, asking the places I have in mind if they need someone, and giving them some silly little resume with no actual work experience on it makes me really uncomfortable. Like so many other things in my life right now, I am avoiding taking any action.

I know the response to all of these issues, I have to get out of my comfort zone, it’s the only way I will grow, and I have to just stop thinking about everything and just do it. But that is all much easier said than done…

I’m sorry this blog was basically just one be whining session. I hope next time I blog I will have better, happier things to talk about.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Spring (thank goodness it’s finally here!) and if you celebrate Easter I hope its great!

<3 <3 Elli

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